The last surgery...

I want this to be the last surgery. I want Chris to be healed. I want him to have energy and motivate me to get moving. I want us to play with Jman for unlimited amounts of time. I want to plan something and not hear "we will see how I feel." I want, I want, I want. It is a real battle feeling somewhat entitled to a "normal" life all the while knowing that salvation is not a promise of that. Maybe that is part of the living in the tension. Not knowing if God will fully heal Chris or not but still being able to say, I am Yours, I trust You and I love You.

Surgery has been moved up to Monday, November 16. We had planned on December thinking he would go less days without pay but the struggles right now are not worth the wait. He has already used up all his time off again this year and then some. He is looking forward to the other side of surgery and we are just believing with everything we have that he will be healed, no complications, no rough recovery, no pouch issues, no pain, no nausea, NOTHING. This will be a miracle and that is absolutely what we are praying for as an outcome of all this. Please pray with us. We leave a week from today. Pray for perfect healing through final surgery, travel, for Jman and I and school we are missing and finances.

Besides - if Chris doesn't get well how can we get home study approved to grow our family????

Up and Down and Back and Forth...

I got very excited about advocating for a partnering community through Children's Hope Chest only to allow myself to be discouraged by apathy and bureaucracy and a general disinterest even. Then I got excited again because there is a group who share the passion with me and are ready to do whatever it takes. As this roller coaster has continued, I have been able to share my experiences in Uganda with lots of people on the Internet and in person. Last week I was able to share with the kids at my church who attend AWANA. They have a large group portion of the evening where 3rd-5th grade come together and then K-2nd grade for a bible story or testimony or some practical application of what they are learning.

I had a slide show of the beautiful photos that Ria captured on our trip. I began with the passage I had recently been reading from Luke about the friends who took the time to get their paralyzed neighbor to Jesus for healing. Then I just talked the rest of the time about the children in Uganda, the things I saw, the basic need for food and clean water, and how everyone - even the kids listening to me could do something to help. The children were glued to the screens and it was not long before hands shot up in the air and the questions began. Can we send them clean water? Can we pack a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child? Do they not have shoes? Where did they get those "American" clothes? Why are children in Africa different than children in America? Do they go to school? What do they take for lunch? Why was she crying? and on and on...

The next day I received an email from our Children's Director about a family who has been struggling financially but that recognized the blessings we have because we live here in the US. She and her husband and two children were moved and are looking for ways they can be effective and help their neighbors.

Yesterday our Children's Director shared another story with me. On the way home after AWANA a mom was about to stop into McDonald's for a quick supper with her son. He became genuinely upset and told her NO, they had peanut butter at home and they should eat at home. She was very confused because McDonald's is his favorite place to go. He told her that he wanted to save money so they could give to the children who don't have any food.

Yes my eyes welled up with tears too.

So as I have allowed silly things to discourage me, God has steadily reminded me that I am not in control of this. I am simply a vessel with no engine of my own, moving forward by His grace and mercy. It has already been written that many will not understand what I am passionate about. They will not support me. They will even mock and try to destroy this mission. Praise God I am not alone. Praise God that He walks ahead of me and He will clear the path and all I have to do is follow. Praise God.

My sweet, dear, supportive, loving, God fearing friend shared this with me. I do not know the author but if I find it I will edit and give credit.

THE VISION AND THE VERITY

Called to be saints.

1Corinthians 1:2

Thank God for the sight of all you have never yet been. You have had
the vision, but you are not there yet by any means. It is when we are
in the valley, where we prove whether we will be the choice ones,
that most of us turn back. We are not quite prepared for the blows
which must come if we are going to be turned into the shape of the
vision. We have seen what we are not, and what God wants us to be,
but are we willing to have the vision "batter'd to shape and use" by
God? The batterings always come in commonplace ways and through
commonplace people.

There are times when we do know what God's purpose is; whether we
will let the vision be turned into actual character depends upon us,
not upon God. If we prefer to loll on the mount and live in the
memory of the vision, we will be of no use actually in the ordinary
stuff of which human life is made up. We have to learn to live in
reliance on what we saw in the vision, not in ecstasies and conscious
contemplation of God, but to live in actualities in the light of the
vision until we get to the veritable reality. Every bit of our
training is in that direction. Learn to thank God for making known
His demands.

The little "I am" always sulks when God says do. Let the little "I
am" be shrivelled up in God's indignation - "I AM THAT I AM hath sent
thee." He must dominate. Is it not penetrating to realize that God
knows where we live, and the kennels we crawl into! He will hunt us
up like a lightning flash. No human being knows human beings as God
does.

Blessings to you,
aMp

Found this recently...

A commentary in The Word in Life Study Bible NKJV. It is in reference to Luke 5:17-26.

"The news was out: help was available for the sick! But a certain paralytic had no way to get to it. Physically disabled people like him were not only immobile, but usually poor. Useless to society and lacking help from the government, they invariably lived as social outcasts.
But some men knew of this man's dilemma and came to his need. They helped him get to a house where Jesus was teaching. Yet the enormous crowds made it impossible. Fortunately, the men were determined and resourceful: they literally tore the roof off in order to connect their friend with the Helper (v.19).
Jesus noticed "their faith" (v.20 italics added) and healed the paralyzed man.
Is there someone near you who is cut off from needed services - heath care, transportation, access to community resources, financial assistance, or advocacy in the workplace? Can you band together with others to provide what is needed in the tradition of the unnamed but faithful helpers described in Luke 5?

I have read this almost every night for a week now. I have always thought about the man who was healed and never so much about the friends. Plain and simple in scripture it said in verse 20 "When He (Jesus) saw their (the friends) faith" He healed the man.

This has been very important for me to find. Lately I have come into conversations that seem to imply evangelism and humanitarian aid do not go hand in hand. I have been trying to find the true answer - to find how God feels about that and not just how I feel. I think this is the answer. The men were faithful that Jesus could provide for the paralytic man's physical needs. Jesus took it a step further and also healed Him spiritually. Actually, He healed Him spiritually first! And I did not miss that. Jesus said FIRST, "Man, your sins are forgiven you." So here is the evangelical portion of missions. We must share the gospel first and foremost - it is a command to go and tell all nations that their hope lies only in Jesus Christ our risen Lord. Nothing else will ever matter if we are not sharing our Hope with the lost world.

But I think Jesus included the next part for a reason. He knew already what we would be facing today. He knew that people would question Him then and now. Jesus healed the man spiritually and then physically because He knew that the people had to SEE with their own eyes what had been done. I think that seeing is still needed in our human eyes. We don't SEE the spiritual change in a person's heart. But we can see when we love our neighbor through service, and help and kindness and support. Not just looking for the next bandwagon to jump on but to be in a constant state of giving to others who are in need.

This is why I love the model that Children's Hope Chest has set up with the Carepoint and orphanage sponsorship. God can create a community by bringing believers together to me in a constant state of caring for our neighbors in need. At the same time, here is the beauty of God's call, the need is so great that we are not all called to the same thing. If your heart is just not being pulled to Africa, that is ok - the need is great everywhere, in your city, state, country, nation, world. Seek God's will for where He would have to partner and serve. He is not calling you to be everywhere and to get overwhelmed. Find that one place where you can serve and in doing so discover God's heart and become more like him as you love His children.

The sponsorship in Adacar will require a community of a minimum 300 families or individuals. This community of 300 would be willing to love, pray for, support, advocate and write to their sponsored child. I also hope to lead many from this community to visit the Carepoint in Uganda at least once a year (I am willing praying for twice a year.) God is First - He is leading this. I am simply saying I am willing to be second and follow His lead. Will you be second with me?

Feeling...

Really strange these days.

1. I am having a rough start this year at Mom's Day Out. Still can't figure it out exactly. Don't get me wrong, class is going really well. We have seen adjustments to our expectations already. And we have seen where we need to adjust our expectations. But I am in this state of being so obsessed with preschool that it makes me want to TURN IT OFF!! I think about lesson plans constantly. I think about activities constantly. I feel the need to read about activities and lessons constantly. It is such a strange obsession.

2. I am tired all the time. I know why - my body is in such terrible shape right now. I have absolutely no control over it. I eat whatever and I do not engage in aerobic activity other than a quick dance around the preschool room singing - "Lots of little fish were sleeping on a rock at the bottom of the ocean..." I am telling you that this body is not being treated as a temple as God commanded. Why can't my obsession be about being healthy? Not only that but it interfered with my girl time as well. I had plans for a girls night sushi last night. At 6:30 pm I crawled in bed to go to sleep totally forgetting that I had a 7pm sushi date. I am not sure they have forgiven me :(

3. Chris is not "there" yet. Where exactly "there" is, I cannot explain. But I know he isn't there. I think he has had four weeks of school and he has been out 4 or 5 days already. sigh...

4. My passions do not seem to be the ones of the majority - and that is SO VERY DIFFICULT. I know not everyone is called to adopt - but I truly believe that everyone is called to care about orphans, widows and the poor. I believe that parents are commanded to teach their children - instructing them Biblically and just plain everyday life stuff. In my limited experience it seems that many parents have turned over the reigns to their children. I did not say all or most - I said many. I specifically chose that word because it describes my limited experience - many from my limited experience. I just plain and simple do not believe that it is someone else job to do ANYTHING for my kid - church, school, extracurricular etc. It is not their job - even though I "use" the services offered - I still believe when all the dust settles it is ultimately my job to teach him.

5. Even though I know I am not promised anything when it comes to this life here on earth - that is not my home - I still long for "the normal life." Not that I can even articulate what a normal life would be. I long for a more simple life. I know that a simple life could very well be within my grasp but am I truly willing to go there? it is a conundrum (really I just wanted to use that word - probably didn't even use it correctly.)

6. Spiritually I am in a struggle. I have some thoughts on many subjects these days that don't seem to line up with what others think. Others as in other people I believe to be Christian. I know this means that I need to study God's word and discover His truth - "other's" truth. This stupid inferiority thing I have gets in the way and tells me whats the use you don't know what you are talking about - your not smart enough to know something unless someone else tells you. It is ridiculous - I have a Psychology degree so I know it is stupid self talk but it is powerful and hard to break.

7. I am tired - wait I already said that. Maybe I will go to bed. I guess that 6:30pm bedtime yesterday didn't do me that much good after all...

Did i mention...

The boy started Kindergarten.


He did well and mom did very well. No tears. I Just enjoyed how excited he was/is. He is 3 weeks into school and enjoying his new social/academic journey.

Remembering, looking to the future with hope and simply but passionately loving God today...

I was doing some spring cleaning in my inbox and found this email. A dear friend sent it to me during the intense weeks after Chris' surgery this summer. I guess I didn't read it or it just wasn't supposed to make sense until today. I do not know the source to be able to give credit - well with the exception of God who is The Source :)

God Will Bring You Through - The God of all comfort 2 Corinthians 1:3 NIV

God can bring you through situations you think you won't survive, or feel
you'll be stuck in forever. He can make you comfortable in the most
uncomfortable places, and give you peace in the midst of trauma. Before
your life is over you'll live, love, and experience loss. Losing some
things will actually help you to appreciate the things you still have.
It's the taste of failure that makes success sweet. You'll live each day
not knowing what tomorrow holds, but confident that God has your tomorrows
all planned out. They're not in the hands of your boss or your banker or
your mate or anybody else. Nor are they in your own hands to manipulate
and control. No, all your tomorrows are in God's hands.

Just because you don't recognize the path you're on doesn't mean that God's not leading you. He promises, 'I will lead them in paths they have not known. I will make darkness light before them, and crooked places straight. These things I will do for them, and not forsake them' (Isaiah 42:16 NKJV). So get to know God - you'll need Him. And He'll be there for you. He'll be there when everybody and everything else has failed you. He'll be there for you in the dark places. 'Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning' (Psalm 30:5 NKJV). However long the night, morning always comes, and with it His joy. As you look back you'll realize that His grace protected you, provided for you, secured you, calmed you, comforted you and brought you through. Times and seasons change, but not God. He's always 'the God of all comfort.

Trying to Keep Up...

It is the eve of the first day of Kindergarten for my boy. He is excited, Baba is excited and yes I am excited as well. It will be a little strange at first. And I do feel a little weird about the fact that he has only been home for 2-1/2 years and is heading off to someone other than me for half the day. That part is not really a good or a bad, it is just a weird feeling I have. I am sure it will go away.

This new part of our journey has been crammed in between so many other things. This summer has been insane to say the least. I went to Africa. We had a birthday party. I was the craft director for VBS planning activities for over 500 kids. The week of VBS we left for Fort Lauderdale. More major surgery. Rough healing and adjustment. Wednesday night preschool activities that I am a little bummed about because I could have done so much better and can't seem to cut myself any slack over it but praise God for an amazing friend who was willing to carry my slack. Many hospital stays and ER visits and then back to Fort Lauderdale for only to be back in the hospital. Sunday three year old life group / the boy / taking care of the house(not very well) / husband / getting ready for teaching Mom's Day Out / trying to find a little adult time squished all in the middle of everything else.

That paragraph practically stopped me in my tracks as far as Africa and Adacar and sponsorship. I always seem to let something get in there. It has happened many times before. I have an addictive personality so it is easy for me to "jump on a bandwagon" only to fizzle out quickly. I guess I am a sprinter in the theoretical sense (not physical.) This part of my personality, among many other parts, DRIVES ME CRAZY. I don't keep myself on task. I don't plan or strategize or discipline myself to follow through with stuff.

Let us put the aforementioned "defect" together with the fact that I have an intense selfish or maybe even narcissistic side of me that thinks I need to know, or be involved, or be in the middle of EVERYTHING! Who in their right mind would want to be around that kind of person. However I do think it is subtle sometimes - like you don't even notice as much unless you REALLY need something from me. I covet personality traits in other people. I am not at peace with who I am.

Throughout all the craziness of Chris' surgery and complications I have emailed detailed, sometimes too detailed, updates to a large group of family/friends/church members. I have received some emails back that have been very sweet and encouraging to me. Some have even said that they have been encouraged by my walk through this trial. Do you know what I have done with that? Did I accept that God used this awful time we have gone through to encourage someone else? Did I praise Him over the character building He has done in me? NO! Do you know what I have done? I have allowed myself to become incredibly jealous of what others are doing that I think I should be getting to do.

There you go. It has been said. It is out in the open. Maybe now I can seek forgiveness and move on. I HATE finding these ugly sides. I know they are there but I just want them to be gone without me having to face them. I use stumbling blocks as excuses for my lack of discipline. I am not underplaying the craziness of the summer but I know how much time I have wasted. Precious time. Time that I don't get back. Time that cannot be used again. It is gone.

However, there is a pretty cool thing about being pliable and allowing God to change your character. He gives us a chance to see the ugly and make a change or adjustment or whatever is needed. Well obviously I needed a swift kick in the butt. I love this whole blogging/internet/social networking thing that I am involved in. I get know a little bit about what God is doing in the lives of others. Sometimes knowing that little bit is just enough of a kick in the butt :)

Now what does all this mean. I know it is an incredible jumbled mess of letters and words and crazy thoughts. It is just the way my brain works I guess. All this leads me to one plain and simple point. Something I was supposed to do a long time ago and failed to complete. I have a proposal to write. I need to have it finished ASAP. I have another meeting with our Missions Team at church and I need to get a serious answer about a church / Adacar partnership. Here is the scary part of all that, given all the rambles I just completed; I plan to be available to my Father to lead this partnership no matter the outcome of the meeting. My prayers in all this are first and foremost: following God's will and being obedient to His call; starting the task and completing it; having a Godly attitude no matter the obstacles that come up; doing more that just sending $, but actually banding together in prayer and visits and strategic help that does not foster helplessness but actually creates a hope for independence in us in our partner community.

I talk a big talk and, to be honest, I am scared to death of walking. Trying to leave it all in His hands and not sit on mine when He calls. Praying for forgiveness of my prideful, sinful, selfish thoughts and attitudes.

So, there it is. Now the proposal...

I am going to start another blog...

I found this statement on a new preschool blog:

"While many parents (and schools for that matter) worry about assessing kindergarten readiness by ticking off a list of academic skills (”Recites ABCs…check. Writes own name…check check.”) the best predictor of school readiness is the ability to behave appropriately in a social situation, attend to instruction and follow directions, and get along well with others. Mastery of these behaviors is essential not only for school success, but for life success!"

A while back I made a post about getting ready for kindergarten. This statement from Not Just Cute sums up my goals as a teacher and what I think it means to be ready for Kindergarten. I know there are expectations of him - the only thing I can do about that is to learn how to lobby for changes in the overall way public education is looked at and the standards they want to use to measure success. Most likely I will never do that because I am to lazy. This is one of the beauties of having a blog. I can have my opinions and whine about whatever I want or say I don't like something; because the truth is no one is forced to listen to me or share my opinion or even care what I have to say but I still get to say it.


The second blog mentioned in the title will be for my preschool stuff. I don't want to mesh it in anymore here. I hope to use it to keep track of my lessons and help me from year to year. Also I want parents to be able to check it out and see what we are doing. So stay tuned for more neurotic thoughts from yours truly and maybe with a little less talk about poo and other gross things. However, it will be preschool stuff so gross is still an option...

yeah, not so much...

Still trying to figure this out. I kind of like the header but obviously it is not formatted correctly to fit. Just another reason to waste time on the computer I guess.

CS3

I am playing around with the template trying to personalize it a little. It may take me a while. I know it looks weird right now. If anyone out there wants to give me some tips, feel free. I have Adobe CS3 but don't fully understand how to use it :)