Following hard....

So there is this phrase that a friend has shared with me. A phrase that, in a way, has begun to haunt me. My journey has not been anything out of the ordinary (at least I don't describe it that way). While there have been some strange, mildly traumatic at times, and unstable things in my past, I have not experienced the worst that life has to offer. But then, I rethink those statements. What is the worst life has to offer? And what life am I even speaking of. Is it the life imagined? Is it the life others have imagined? Is it the life portrayed in movies and TV? Is it the life my parents created for me?

So this phrase... "Follow Hard After God", comes from a book my friend read by AW Tozer, The Pursiut of God. When she initially spoke of this, I think to myself, well yes I do that. [pride] Later I think well yes, sometimes I do that. [more pride] God will not let it rest and this phrase continues to haunt me. As we talked about her experience with this phrase, she even revealed how she said "I don't know God, I don't know if I can do this." In my head I was baffled, like why, what's so hard about this, isn't following God what all Christians do? [I believe God is burdened by my continual display of pride]

Some background... I began truly being a churchgoer after Chris and I were married. I would say this was my conversion but some times I wonder. I grasped the need for Christ. I wanted to learn and I felt as though I was learning so much from the sermons. I loved church and longed for the worship service. Chris and I began at this church because of a new friend. I got involved in ministry partly because it was "what we as Christians should do" and partly because I could serve and hang out with a friend. Eventually this area of service became my passion, my holy discontent if you will. Unfortunately with the growth of my passion, my pride swelled. I was serving, I was doing my duty and everyone else didn't love Christ because they weren't passionate like me. Fast forward many, many years and I found myself nearly spiritually bankrupt, literally just as bondaged by sin as before I responded to God's draw. PRIDE! I have this love/hate relationship with it. For me, for my family, this battle with pride ultimately left me with no choice but to step away from the church I called home for 8 years. I blamed outside sources for my battles for a while but can now see the true culprit... my ugly, black disgustingly prideful heart.

Following Hard After God... No, I dare say I haven't even followed softly after God. And until I can stop comparing, stop complaining, stop idealizing and idolizing my soapboxes, I will stay right where I am. Can I say I am ready to allow God to cleanse me of my pride to humble me... I don't know - it scares me more than praying for patience. I want the promises God has offered but quite frankly I am scared to death to stand in His presence.

I think, I hope, I pray, that this post will be followed by future posts under this topic. I am feeling this draw, feeling a burden, feeling something but I know I am holding back, hanging out where it is comfortable. I hope to write a different story soon...

To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love, scorned indeed by the too-easily- satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart. St. Bernard stated this holy paradox in a musical quatrain that will be instantly understood by every worshipping soul:

We taste Thee, O Thou Living Bread,
And long to feast upon Thee still:
We drink of Thee, the Fountainhead
And thirst our souls from Thee to fill.

Chapter 1 The Pursuit of God by AW Tozer