A Battle with Apathy...

Wikipedia says: Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, or physical life.

This is a battle I have been waging for several years now. The unfortunate side effects? Missed opportunities with my son, out of control weight gain, a house that does not have dust bunnies rather dust mountains, diminished intimacy with not only my husband but with God and sweet friends as well, an inability to share in the excitement of others, poor time management within my job, poor money management within our home and so much more.

Some might try to make me feel better by saying, you guys have been through a rough time, or we all experience this from time to time. But I'm not so sure this is the correct response. Doesn't this truly fall right back on my pride issue I have been talking about? Pride that "we have been through enough", pride that "we deserve a break", pride that says "God save me from myself." So what then is the correct response. Is this my emotional rock bottom where God can finally speak to me and I actually hear Him? Or maybe there is still further I have to fall. Don't get me wrong, I am going through the motions. Most would have no idea that there is anything going on at all other than seeing a little laziness, poor quality of work that could be attributed to various circumstances, stress, whatever you want to label it as. But I know, deep inside, I have deceived even myself for a long time now. The scariest part right now is the recognition of this without the knowledge of what to do next. Do I just pick something, say exercise and let my brains chemistry recalibrate? Do I up my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication, do I "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and "get over myself"? All fine human responses but I am not sold.

So then that begs the question of the spiritual nature of this apathy. And if this is a spiritual battle then why is it so difficult. Mainstream Christianity says, "Admit, Believe, Confess" and there you go. Well the truth is I have prayed the prayer, said the words, confessed belief, joined a church, served, gone on mission trips, worked at a church, etc etc. So why haven't I "gotten it" yet? Why is intimacy with my Heavenly Father such an abstract concept rather than a tangible reality. And again we see it, Pride - "God! I am doing everything I thought you wanted me to do and still I don't feel any closer."

You know what is really insane? Knowing this about myself and remembering how I have questioned others faith. Let's talk about irony....

Ok, that's all the truth I can handle for the moment. I am so not enjoying the reflection right now. But praying it is for a purpose - the single purpose of drawing me into an intimate and sustaining relationship with my Father which in turn will also draw me into a love relationship with HIS church.