The Spiral

Months ago, I stopped taking my antidepressant. In my mind, I only dealt with anxiety, not depression. I quit cold turkey - not exactly the prescribed method. It felt as if I had vertigo for weeks. It was a very unsettling feeling but for some reason I thought it was a good thing to get it all out of my system. I convinced myself that some of my other issues (lethargy, weight gain, lack of desire) were the result of this daily pill. Now months later, with the last of the drug metabolized out of my system, was it worth it?

The anxiety at home is back. I have snapped at my son more times than I care to admit.

I have realized that it was not just anxiety I was medicating. I am battling the ever present feeling of hopelessness and the self depreciating thoughts that wound my already pitiful sense of self.

The lethargy and lack of desire are ever present although I do feel my appetite has been suppressed to some degree - I feel full much quicker and have been eating much less.

Funny though, how God works. The three of us went to the library last week. I picked up a book that I have heard much about -

one thousand gifts

by Ann Voskamp. And this is how I know I am in the clutches of depression... I read the words and am fully aware of the power in what she is saying and yet I don't want to even try. No! It is so much better to simply wallow in my own pathetic apathy. (no worries, my sarcasm is still in tact)

Is it possible that the simple (I use simple loosely as I know naming 1000 things I am thankful for would be a monumental task) act of "naming" the gifts (the blessings) would in fact be the practice needed to live fully in God's Holy presence?

I hate the nagging voice in my head that scoffs at any attempt to live, believe, feel differently. I know I am not the only one with this voice. But I know so many who are willing to fight it. What is different about them. Why am I so quick to give up? I could blame it on Chris' illness and the often dismal nature of our life right now, but I know for a fact - have seen with my own eyes - that even the worst days in our house are a cakewalk compared to what many experience on a day to day basis. This is not to minimize the difficulty of living the way we live, but rather to hold tight to the reigns of reality.

So what now? I am not ready to start that list. I am not ready to offer forgiveness to someone even though it has been eating at me for years. Pride and an ungrateful heart.

I've named them, and for now that will have to be the start... and maybe a visit to a counselor to revisit the antidepressant.