Job's Wife...

There are days lately when I think that Job's wife is wrongly accused of being a horrible woman. She tells Job to "curse God and die". While I understand that to curse God is blasphemy, a sin, I also feel some bit of empathy for her. To watch a loved on suffer is, for me, torture. I imagine it was for her too. Now, she may have been a horrible woman who had no faith. I mean she was taken and as best I understand, Job was blessed with a "new" family, not the resurrection of his previous family. All I am saying is there are days when faced with what seems to be a never ending road of pain and suffering that my mind does wonder, "God why won't you take him home if that is the only way he will be healed?" Of course on the heals of that question are "NO! GOD! Heal him! NOW! PLEASE!!!!! I am not ready to be without him." It is a horrible seesaw really.

Hopefully no one has stopped reading and left thinking, "this woman is a wretched wife". The truth is, my part in all this is simply my faith struggles. It is very weird to say that though. I have taken many of those silly questionnaires to determine what my gifts are and Faith is always at the top. But the reality I am learning is that my faith is weak, more like a strand of cotton candy than the strong and durable strand of a spider's web. But for some reason that I cannot explain beyond what is so clearly evident in scripture, God continues to pursue me. He whispers truth gently through the barriers of lies I have built into walls around my soul.

For whatever reasons, (heartbreaks, feeling unwanted, feeling useless, fear, feeling betrayed) I have determined that I will live in my own strength. Never depending on others. Although this has even been a lie because I often can't make a move without the approval of another. Yet I still hang on to this self-centered, prideful idea that my whole world depends on me. To accomplish anything takes my own strength. I have believed that my salvation is a one time "I do" and done. That there is nothing further I need to do. I have poured my energy into the wrong things and wasted so much time. Yet, He still pursues me. And now all I can do is ask Him for His strength because I have none.

God, give me the wisdom to discern your word and the strength to pursue You as You have pursued me. Move my focus from trials, pain, and heartbreaks of this world to You, Your Glory, and Your perfect Love. Show me how to forgive as You have continued to forgive me, my anger, my pride, my discontentment. Show me how to truly love my family, my friends, my neighbors. I want to hold onto to You as Jacob held You even through the point of breaking and pain. But I'm scared still that I will let go. I am weak. Show me how to live passionately for You, seek You, run to You alone. Bring others alongside me that will encourage and motivate me toward holiness that is only found in You. I pray that you will also bring my family on this same journey as well. Guide Chris in the same way so that we can jointly teach Jman as You have commanded. When we are tired, give us energy. When we are sad, give us joy. When we are lonely, give us comfort. When we are hungry, teach us to be satisfied in You. Show me the way to constant, focused, devotion to You. Grace, Beauty, Gratitude. Amen.